I had a few people text, call and message me after my previous post about not feeling so happy about things. Thank you to you all for caring about me. Don't worry, my depression is no where near as bad as it was towards the middle of the year, but I will take some time out to further explain a few things about how I am feeling.
I suppose I have been feeling a little blue lately because I came to a huge realisation about something that has happened in my life. I realised that I had been bullied in the past. And it was bad bullying. I had suspected that I may have been bullied, but I just sort of blamed myself for a few bad things that had happened. So many people had told me that I had been bullied, however I brushed it off. It wasn't until a really good friend of mine told me that I had been bullied that the penny dropped. I could finally stop blaming myself for everything that had happened.
On the inside, I started to get upset. How could they have done this to me? How could people around me let it happen? Why me? But of course, I then started to get a little angry inside. I got angry at myself for letting this happen. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why didn't I tell people to get stuffed? Why can't they get into trouble? Grrrr!!! So, as you can see, I have a fair bit of negativity inside me at the moment due to all the hurt and anger.
In my counselling session we have also worked out that this bullying has traumatised me. Badly. And the unfortunate thing is that I keep re-living it in my mind over and over again. I can be washing the dished and BAM!! I can picture myself back in that situation. In that room. I can feel my body sweating. I feel hot. I can picture the clothes I am wearing. My scarf feeling like it is suffocating me. I feel tiny inside my huge jacket. My face stained with tears. I am crying so much that I am finding it hard to breath. I can feel myself sitting on the plastic chair in the little room, sitting under a florescent light, wishing I could see the sun shine. The crappy tissues in my hands, falling apart because my hands are drenched in sweat. I am picking at the skin on my left thumb, which is in my lap under the table. My thumb starts to bleed but I don't feel the pain. And all this time two people are just watching the show, staring at me. Never letting me leave the room.
Yeah, it is pretty bad. I can go days where I only think about it once. And there are other days when I think about it several times. It can happen in the day and in the evening. Night time is the worst. I hate it and it makes me so depressed. But there are also the times when I am back in the room and I stand up and I tell every to get stuffed and I walk out. I go get my bag and I march to my car and I drive off into the sunset. Oh, I wish that was how it really ended.
But I have to learn to stop traumatising myself every day. I have to learn to think about something else the moment that the though comes into my head. It is hard, but I am trying.
I also wanted to take the opportunity to talk about my future plans. As pretty much everyone knows, I am a Lady of Leisure. Whilst I do love my job, the pay is pretty crappy - okay, it is non-existent. But I do want to have a real job someday. I want to earn some money so life isn't so hard for B and I. I also want some new goals (I am very goal orientated) in my life. So, I have two plans! And there they are!!
Guess what I did a few months ago! I applied to go to back to university!! Yup! I know I said that I would never go back to studying, but I am. I was talking to my dad a few months ago and we got talking about what I am going to do in the future. He mentioned that I would be a great teacher. When I was younger, I wanted to be a teacher. More specifically, I wanted to be a Geography teacher. My love of geography got me into town planning. So, I have applied for four university courses to become a teacher. Thankfully, it is only a year as I already have a Bachelor Degree. My degree also allows me to specalise in humanities and SOSE, which is fantastic! I will get to teach geography and legal studies at school. It makes me so excited!
So please, cross your fingers, say a prayer, light a candle... whatever you want to do to give me some luck so I can get into my course!! I find out early next year if I've gotten in.
If I don't get into teaching, I will apply again at mid-year, and then the year after that and so on until I get in. In the mean time I will probably go and get qualified to be a personal trainer and a spin instructor. My gym is offering the course and it is something that I have always been interested in doing. I will then be able to work as a personal trainer until I can get into uni.
That being said, I really do like Plan A the best.
So, not all is doom and gloom in my life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am getting closer. It is just hard as sometimes it feels so far away and so unattainable. But I just need to be positive.