As many of you will will remember, I wrote a post back in July about how I had been suffering from anxiety. It was bad and I was a real mess. I ended up quitting my job so that I could get my life sorted out.
I have decided that now would be a good time to let you all know how I am going. I will try and be as honest as possible, however due to the sensitivity of some of the issues, I can't go into detail about some things. I know exactly what caused my anxiety problems, however I can't actually write them down in my blog, as much as I would like to share them. I think that what happened to me is important to share with others to make sure that things like that never happen to anyone, but I can't at present. Hopefully I will be able to share it one day.
There is one thing that I must mention first. I never mentioned this previously, mainly because it was too hard to write down. Not only have I had issues with anxiety, but I have also been battling depression. When my anxiety was at its worst and I felt that there was no way out, I did consider that maybe the 'out clause' was the only way to go. Thankfully when my depression came to this point I decided that it was time to get some help. I also knew that I needed to make some big changes and focus on me.
At present, everything is going okay. Even though I am not working and I am able to spend time concentrating on myself, I am not back to normal yet. Most people when they see me will probably think that I am fine. And I am fine most of the time. When I catch up with my friends for lunch and dinner, I am happy. When I am with my parents, in particular my mum, I am very happy. And of course, when I am with B, most of the time I am happy. Being around people who love, support and care for me makes the world of difference.
But I do have my bad days. Being by myself sometimes can be difficult. My mind begins to think about things in too much detail. I play over certain events in my mind, which really hurts. I think about what was said and done to me, how I reacted and how I should have reacted, which starts to make me feel sad. And then the anxiety and depression comes. I end up curling up on the couch or in bed, waiting for the anxiety to pass and for happy thoughts to come into my head.
I do try and keep myself busy so that I don't have the opportunity to think, but unfortunately it can happen at any time. It tends to happen a lot when I am washing the dishes or ironing. I think that doing these chores doesn't require much brain power, so my mind can think about all the bad things that have happened to me. Thankfully this does not happen when I exercise, which is the reason why I exercise in the morning. If I get really anxious or depressed prior to exercise, it generally means that I won't be able to make my session as I can't get off the couch or out of bed.
I also get anxious at night time, which I know drives B crazy. I start fidgeting and moving my feet, which keeps B awake either due to the noise of my feet rubbing against the sheets or due to the bed slightly moving. Thankfully 99 times out of 100 he is really good and asks me what is wrong and what we can do to fix whatever is making me anxious, although most of the time I have no idea why I am anxious.
I did try and do my own self help. I started thinking about how I need to stop thinking of myself as the victim and take responsibility for myself. But that kind screwed me up even more. When I was going through my anxiety and depression issues, I mentioned to someone that I felt that no one really liked me because one particular person had been saying nasty things about me behind my back, which everyone believed. In their wisdom, they told me that maybe people don't like me because of the way that I behave, which in turn made me even more depressed (and I once again considered the 'out clause'). When I put the 'trying not to be a victim mentality' into that statement when I was doing my own self help and reflection, I came out with the conclusion that it was my own fault that people didn't like me and that it was due to my behaviour, and therefore I am an unlikeable person. My mind is a lot clearer now and I know that this is not true.
Thankfully I will be starting counselling tomorrow. It will be really good to talk to someone about everything that has happened to me. We will be able to come up with techniques to help me manage my anxiety better. I want to also want to become a stronger person so that I can make sure that what happened to be in the past cannot happen again. I want to be as strong on the inside as I am out on the outside.
Sorry to have such a depressing post in my blog. I promise that these won't come out too often. And if you didn't read this post, I am totally not offended!
And if you need something to cheer you up, here is a cute picture of my cat Ruby trying to sleep!
Take care and cheer up!