I have needed to gain the courage to write it. When I originally approached B about the topic, he told me not to write about it. But another blog that I love to read also wrote a post on a similar topic, so it made me realise that this topic shouldn't be seen as a taboo. I spoke to a few of my lovely friends last night about this topic and they all agreed that I should discuss it.
So, here it goes.
As you might have noticed, I have been absent from blogging lately. I haven't felt much like blogging as I have been going through I really difficult time. I have been suffering from anxiety. I have mentioned it before on this blog that I am prone to anxiety. Anxiety is one of the main reasons why I exercise as it makes me feel better.
I have always been an anxious person and its something that has become part of my life. On a scale of 0 to 10, a normal person has their anxiety levels sitting around a 1. Me, I sit around a 4. That means that unfortunately, small changes and problems can increase my anxiety and it doesn't take much for it to get to a high level. I also put myself under a lot of pressure - I always want to be perfect and I am competitive, which probably doesn't help me either.
I have probably been unhappy with a few things in my life for the last couple of years. There have been things in my life that I haven't been able to change, no matter how hard I try. There are people I cannot please, no matter how hard I try.
But then I get to a point where everything becomes too much. A raised voice or blunt words can make me cry. The littlest mistake feels like the end of the world. I end up feeling like no matter how hard I try I can make things right.
And then I fall apart. I am no longer the happy, bubbly Lady Lou.
This is what I was going through for the past month or so. Thankfully I recognised that what I was feeling wasn't right and that I needed help. Thankfully B is really supportive. Thankfully my doctor is also really supportive. With B, my doctor and all of my close friends around me I was able to pick myself up and try and make things better.
I didn't feel much like blogging during this time. I had to take two weeks off work to really concentrate on myself and getting better. I slept. I ate healthy. But the most important thing was that I got outside and exercised. I went running almost every day as the natural high I get from running made me feel happy.
I am very slowly getting over my anxiety, but I know that I have a long way to go. There are days when I feel so nervous in my stomach over silly little things. I still have dermatophagia, which is a form of OCD and anxiety that causes me to bite my poor thumbs. I still cry at the most silliest things. But I am getting there.
I have also made one of the biggest decisions in my life to date. Yesterday I quit my job. I gave them my four weeks notice. B and I discussed it at length over many weeks and we decided it was the best thing for me to do to get better. I need me time. I need to concentrate on myself. No, I don't have a job lined up. No, there are no jobs available in my field of work due to the current state of the market, but B and I will deal.
|I am so thankful for having B in my life when times are tough. He is the best!|
I now feel that I am ready to blog again as things are starting to look up. But I know that in order to be able to move on with my blog I had to be honest with all of my readers about what has been happening.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.