Monday, 22 July 2013

The Honest Posts Are The Most Difficult To Write

This is the post that I have had to think a long time about writing.

I have needed to gain the courage to write it.  When I originally approached B about the topic, he told me not to write about it.  But another blog that I love to read also wrote a post on a similar topic, so it made me realise that this topic shouldn't be seen as a taboo.  I spoke to a few of my lovely friends last night about this topic and they all agreed that I should discuss it.

So, here it goes.

As you might have noticed, I have been absent from blogging lately.  I haven't felt much like blogging as I have been going through I really difficult time.  I have been suffering from anxiety.  I have mentioned it before on this blog that I am prone to anxiety.  Anxiety is one of the main reasons why I exercise as it makes me feel better.

I have always been an anxious person and its something that has become part of my life.  On a scale of 0 to 10, a normal person has their anxiety levels sitting around a 1.  Me, I sit around a 4.  That means that unfortunately, small changes and problems can increase my anxiety and it doesn't take much for it to get to a high level.  I also put myself under a lot of pressure - I always want to be perfect and I am competitive, which probably doesn't help me either.

I have probably been unhappy with a few things in my life for the last couple of years.  There have been things in my life that I haven't been able to change, no matter how hard I try.  There are people I cannot please, no matter how hard I try.

But then I get to a point where everything becomes too much.  A raised voice or blunt words can make me cry.  The littlest mistake feels like the end of the world.  I end up feeling like no matter how hard I try I can make things right.

And then I fall apart.  I am no longer the happy, bubbly Lady Lou.

This is what I was going through for the past month or so.  Thankfully I recognised that what I was feeling wasn't right and that I needed help.  Thankfully B is really supportive.  Thankfully my doctor is also really supportive.  With B, my doctor and all of my close friends around me I was able to pick myself up and try and make things better.

I didn't feel much like blogging during this time.  I had to take two weeks off work to really concentrate on myself and getting better.  I slept.  I ate healthy.  But the most important thing was that I got outside and exercised.  I went running almost every day as the natural high I get from running made me feel happy.

I am very slowly getting over my anxiety, but I know that I have a long way to go.  There are days when I feel so nervous in my stomach over silly little things.  I still have dermatophagia, which is a form of OCD and anxiety that causes me to bite my poor thumbs.  I still cry at the most silliest things.  But I am getting there.

I have also made one of the biggest decisions in my life to date.  Yesterday I quit my job.  I gave them my four weeks notice.  B and I discussed it at length over many weeks and we decided it was the best thing for me to do to get better.  I need me time.  I need to concentrate on myself.  No, I don't have a job lined up.  No, there are no jobs available in my field of work due to the current state of the market, but B and I will deal.

I am so thankful for having B in my life when times are tough.  He is the best!

I now feel that I am ready to blog again as things are starting to look up.  But I know that in order to be able to move on with my blog I had to be honest with all of my readers about what has been happening.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Lady Lou

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